events of me

what a week...

2012-01-29T03:49:00.000-08:00

Alright... I did not expect this week would be this bad. Ok... its not bad, it could be worse. for sure. but lets see, gonna list down things that happened:

1. Strikes at plants (other plants) so unable to work properly

2. Jackpot with beer

3. Lost of my Blackberry - and i do not need to stress how important the data are.

4. and MANY more.

I guess things arent going well for me on the year of the dragon but still life goes on doesnt it? its been awhile since i felt this down with the things going around me, unexpected situation, with undesired outcome. Im not being so negative about things now but sometimes its just hard to be so positive. I am sure there are others out there that may be going through worse than i am but i cant deny that this is bad enough for me. now i just feel lost and just want to talk to someone but who? i dont know and im uncontactable. a ghost yet again.

I was told "dont bother crying over spilled milk" and yes i agree very much so but its more of a frustration towards the compilation of complications this week. im sure as well many have experienced what i experience but i guess sometimes we just got to feel that frustration the only tricky thing is that how are we able to settle this frustration? Am i taking things too hard? that is just me.

Looking on the plus side, at least this is happening at the beginning of the year though i anticipate there will be times such as these that is just lingering around, stalking my back and just ready to ponce. i'll think about that when it comes.

shifting to another topic, i have started a convo with an individual. a person who i will not name due to privacy of the individual, interestingly enough has a high percentage of similarity with me, even down to gummy bears (this was a random question that was asked by the person "what color is your fav gummy bear?") somehow i start to think that maybe we were some what related in the past but honestly it is scary. from the things we eat, hobbies, thoughts and even actions. i do not understand but somehow feel comfortable with the situation, it feels like i have someone to relate to finally. but well i do not know for the other person. isnt it nice to have someone to really understand what u been through all these times? yea i guess no 2 person can be 100% similar but well 90% to me is good enough to feel comfortable. "just be yourself" are 3 words that sometimes can be awfully confusing. the face we put to deal with certain situations prevents us from being ourselves to a point we do lose who we were before. sometimes i do wonder what kind of person i am, do u?

anyways all these are just my opinions about things. some may like it some dont.

peace

vin

times has changed...

2012-01-13T20:12:00.000-08:00

After having dinner with dad, my sis and my brother in law, dad suddenly asked, "Do you want to follow Eddy or with us?" All of us were confused and only then did he realize that she does not stay with us anymore, well physically. That got me thinking, times really have changed. The moments that we were still young and carefree, innocent and non-judgmental. Fond memories I had when I was still a little kid and memories that was equal to a kid's nightmare are just embedded at the back of my brain.

Fast forwarding through teenage years, I was just the boyish rebellious guy. Didn't care about studies and looking at girls, skipping classes to play games in the arcade, a world of my own. Fond memories which introduced me the meaning of friends were when I was in scouts. I guess everyone has that best buddy from secondary school and till today they stayed by your side, well not literally... unless you are married to that person.

Anyways, counting the years even my fingers and toes could not keep up, a fact is fact when i had to understand people come and people go. My parents are getting old, especially my dad, and they have done so much for me and my sister, but what could be do to give it back to them? i did ask this question to my friends, and mostly said the same thing:"Live life well." Though short, it was meaningful. live life well. get a degree, get a good job and get married. well my sister is already there and having a baby, AND ITS A GIRL! as for me, well, i do not know when am i going to get married. not anytime soon im thinking. though previously i thought i would be getting married this year. thats another story.

Bottom line is that, time is ticking, each day is unrepeatable and each second of out life has only 1 chance. use it wisely, simply cause, as much as we want to, we can't turn the hands of the time. Dont regret any mistakes made, just learn from it. after all we are just human. we control our decisions but not our future.

I remember a short quote:"Don't worry about tomorrow as today has its own problems"

Grasp those moments that makes you smile cause one day when the time comes, we will need it.

take care (:

a life i live

2012-01-07T08:06:00.000-08:00

So after a great Saturday, from waking up late, to Muay Thai, to a great massage, whats next? Sleep! Not before writing a short blog note.

Some of my friends here knows about my life in Australia, a whole 7 years there. And was asked "if u could turn back time, would you do it again?" my ans, without a doubt "Yes" Time to share a little of my past. When i was a little kid, i was well protected and sheltered, restricted with many limitations. so you can imagine how crazy i was when i reached Australia. Full freedom, but that came with a huge price.

Without what i have been though in Australia, i probably would not be the person right now. maybe missing Natiional Service (Army) is not as bad as i thought it would be though i wanted so much at that time. When i was in Australia, i learnt what the word street smart means, knowing how to advise and help others when they are in need. I guess that is what i like to do, simply just to help. Tiring it can be but the pleasure comes in after you seen the results of our assistance. In australia i was just like a lost child, i needed to know people from the start and somehow i clicked with people who just wants to have a little more fun than books, obviously. i did not care what tomorrow brings as i know i will handle it somehow, i always do.

The times and experiences i have collected and gathered in Australia is something that i will never trade anything for. i guess we have to treasure everyone and everything that touched our life, good and bad. appreciate what was, is and will be given to us cause we can never know if or when it will leave us. Remembering someone is something or someone is more important than you think, especially for a person. I made many stupid mistakes but then again no one is perfect and i know i am not even close to the word perfect. but once again i am thankful for this life i am given. through the pain and sorrow, somehow we always find the light to smile again.

like i said a short blog note. take care and enjoy your life

peace

vinz

New Year, A start? An End?

2012-01-01T20:36:00.000-08:00

Firstly, Happy New Year to all!

As the fireworks begin to fill the night with bright colors and sounds that a little kids would close their ears to, i was among the few that decided party life during the new year, getting drunk and not remembering what happened the night before, was 2 steps behind. i decided to go for a calmer event. i was kinda surprised at myself for cancelling another event with a few friends of mine and joined to go the church and celebrate New Year's day mass.

We knelt, and prayed for what we believed is right and what we hope to achieve, as well as to give thanks for the year 2011. Filtering the sound out from my head i closed my eyes and envisioned what 2012 would be like. Smooth sailing? Yea, why not? Everyone wants a life with no hardships and all so carefree but most of us do not have that fortune. So my first resolution was: "May I be able to find a solutions to problems that were not solved in the past and also an even better solution for any difficulties I or we may face in 2012" - Problems are unavoidable, period.

What's next on my list? Its got to do with the Mayan Calendar of 2012. This has been looked into for awhile and a movie was made based on it. Honestly, I don't really care. Somethings its beyond our abilities and capabilities so why bother think about it so much. But would like to do more for the less fortunate this year. Thats my second.

Continuing to pray and listen to the priest, my mind is running through this long list of what happened this year in 2011. Bittersweet is the first word that came up to my mind. I do complain what happened to me in the year 2011, but guess its time to shut up and move on. happy days will forever be kept in my heart and as for days that I wished I could disappear, i would try to suppress and compress all those in a box, take a crayon and write "2011 - Those times I got stronger"

And when the celebration was all over, greetings were exchanged, i walked up to the counter, where the nuns and the public were divided, giving my well wishes to them. A picture that was definitely worth to capture but i did not as i did not know if i was able to do it. suddenly, from the corner of my eyes, i saw a familiar sight, a husky. without a split second recollection, "Kenzo" came up to my head. Yea i miss you so much Kenzo (for those who do not know who is Kenzo, he is a husky that i used to have. Used to? lets not get into details). first sight of the dog, i shivered and stepped back while a dozen of hands tried to reach over to give the handsome dog a pat. i had to do something, when the dog was about to leave, i unknowingly went up to the counter and he turned around and jumped up on the counter. husky is know to look fierce but not this. it welcomed to pat him. and it was gone. the shivers all gone. "Hello you...", smiled and walked back to my friends. it may not sound significant to others but this was a night that what i felt for so long in 2011, was just taken away from that one pat of the handsome K9. After all the goodbye waves and hugs we left for early breakfast, and realized that i could have gone to party and hope to forget all that happened in 2011 but i guess at that time there was another solution which somehow made me disregard the flowing of alcohol down my throat. I needed water, not any kind of water.

Old friends were brought back again and new friends were made. It may not sound much but it is when you are a person who does not jumps from places to places.

So once again i wish all of you a great new year, be strong and what has happened, happened, whatever is gonna happen, it happens for a reason.

Peace

vin

whats the difference of advising and mr. know it all?

2011-12-14T05:31:00.000-08:00

Honestly, i do not know. all i have done and written its just about helping and advising people but then i looked back again and thought again... i dont like to be perceived as Mr Know It All (MKIA, too lazy to type) when the fact is that i dont. Its just that i am happy when people come to me and talk to me about their problems, feels like they trust me to give an advise. the fact is that i really have been through a lot.

so... does a person who has gone through a lot equals to Mr Knows It All? the thing is that if the other person do not know what I have been through then i guess i am perceived as MKIA. its confusing... Each time when i hear a friend says "you are not me so you would not know what i have been through.", when the fact is that i have been through something so similar.

so seriously... whats the difference? how do you actually differentiate MKIA and advising cause we just care? but its just a random thought in my head.

On another topic, how much patience CAN a person have. i had a little short argument with a colleague. and her tolerance for patience is just ridiculous... although i have much admiration for that but it got to my nerves when i asked her "dont you get angry when someone provokes u or insults u?" and i got this reply "why do i need to get angry? showing negative emotions like anger is not use, our subordinates will not listen. we need to talk to them nicely even when we feel angry for the wrong things they did"... this is only what i think, she is going to be stepped on and bullied very soon. i do pity her sometimes cause the way people treats her and she just keeps in her blind spot. i was told by another friend of mine, that she is living life like a textbook and that her life was sweet previously, for example: this is how it should be done. and this is how i should react. what i feel is like, emotions are meant to be shown, just to what degree of expressing it. take note i am not saying bad about her as well as not telling how she should react but... i just would like her to be bullied and stepped on.

then again its not my problem. life isnt as sweet as it looks. and i will quiet down now.

got my own hole to dig.

and i am still confused about the topic...

peace

vin

ideas in mind that needs to be done

2011-12-13T00:29:00.000-08:00

As i looked at my blog i realized that i have not written for a couple of months. nothing to write? probably, nothing going on in life? definitely not. its just that many things have been going on and work has been hectic. anyways, ideas. yea. i tend to have a lot of them just that i do not have the time to follow up with those ideas. but one of the ideas i would really love to make it happen is writing a book.

the first book that i am still in the midst of writing is titled "With God by his side". This isnt a preaching book but it still has a touch of religion in the content. Basically it is about a boy's life, going through life without a direction, without any sense of where he is or should be. Only to understand many years of walking down different paths of life, he understood that no matter how hard he tries, its not fully up to him to decide what happens in the future. A life story that i wish to express some important part of my life in this book. This book will be personal to me as it will consist some of my experiences as well as my friend's. how successful this book is gonna be? i am not sure but i am keen on finishing it. didnt think of writing a book before but will do what i can, at the least, a sense of achievement. :D

Next up, mistakes are unavoidable am i right? sometimes some mistakes we make leaves an imprint of it in people's lives, and will not be forgotten. so the phrase "forgive and forget" is not really relevant isnt it? how true is it then if we forgive and forget. Even though if we managed to forgive one's mistake, somehow one way or another we have a different impression of the person all over. but i believe in one thing, no one is perfect and people can change, takes time. give them these times to change. its hard for me sometimes even though i try as i got more sensitive if a person make the same mistakes again. the best i can do is to accept it. i know as well that this applies to me as well, me making a mistake does change the person's impression of me but well its up to them to accept it or not. but then again, true friends accept and know who u really are so dont have to think too much on how u should live life. be yourself and be happy with it. think of it like this, if 100 people are not happy with who u are, there are 1000 who loves u for who u are.

stay positive and live life :)

peace

vin

Eyes will tell the truth

2011-10-29T21:51:00.000-07:00

And i tot i was all ok. I believed that i am ok now. but when i looked through all the pictures taken from my sister's wedding my eyes tell a different story. i guess i am still going to deny it all...

I guess its easy to listen and advise people but its hard to do it by ourselves when the problem lies in front of us. and we cant say you are wrong to those who said "you told me once..." yes i did tell u once. the only thing i have to have in mind is just to follow through what i tell others. confusing? heh.

sometime we know the ans but we just do not want to do it. i was talking to a fren about her problem, a problem of not able to forget someone. somehow she knows what is to be done but she does not want to do it cause of one reason... a reason that is a double edge sword: Hope. one side of hope is real hope and false hope (from what i know from myself) and she gives that false hope for herself. yes everything is possible but when we know its over means its over. i told her that do not be like someone i know to hang on someone when its done. somehow we want or everyone wants that perfect moment with the person we cant let go and we find someone who is able to fit perfectly or close to perfect with that ONE person. but everyone is unique. so i guess be thankful for the great your partner has done for you and be patient with the flaw he/she have.

"let it go, if its meant to be yours it will come back to you, if not so be it..." its nature. what is meant to be together it will be. i am sure many will believe that. how many times things will fly away from us but somehow it will come back. think about it as we do take these incidents for granted and when it doesnt come back, we ask "Why?".

well for now its my work and my social life :)

Peace out!

determination

2011-10-13T08:19:00.000-07:00

So what am i to write now? determination... i recently hooked up with a long time friend of mine and he teaches muay thai. as i was interested i asked if he could teach me and he did without any hesitation. at first i was kinda giving 2nd thoughts of what the training would be and how it will affect me...

and so it was the first day and we went up on the roof to start to train and yes it wasnt easy at all.either i was out of shape or the training is really that hard. when it was time for break i told myself "this isnt me to give up now..." and so i didnt. i had that mindset each training i had.

as days go by in training, i was bruised and blistered to a point of exhaustion but i kept tell i can do it. at points when i could not take it any more beating i pushed it saying i can. when ur mind says u can all other pain doesnt affect u at all. and i can make sure of that. martial arts makes us stronger in willpower as well as disciplines us. martial arts isnt all about fighting but its how we control our mind and body.

Some times we have days when we wanna give up and say we can cause we are so tired but in fact we are too lazy to even try. this works for anything. no matter how much pain u feel inside you we got to live on. emotional pain is really hard to ignore but i am sure everyone has been through it and u survived till this long so why give up when it hits us again? physical pain? is nth compared to emotional pain.

we say we can not because we just wanna say it but we say we can cause WE ACTUALLY CAN. it took me till now to realize that our mind is a powerful thing that filters out all the physical or emotional pain we may have.

no matter how bruised, beaten, battered and blistered u will survive. so why not push on at the point of time then to wait till a time when u think u will be able to do it. what u can do it now, no matter how much u have to go thru, do it...

how strong is ur mind is how determined u can be

Cheers and GB

unpredictability of life

2011-08-20T19:11:00.000-07:00

Hi again... i realized that i only write when something happens in life, no matter about me or people around me so this time is no different. last night i got a message from a friend who was suffering from the same problem i had months ago. we left that everything is so perfect and without any notice, a dream can be a nightmare. there are so many things that we cannot comprehend nor predict, this is because we each has a unique characteristic on how we handle things in and about life.

sadly, some of us do not fit the other person's expectation and without warning everything seems to shatter and the aftermath of it is confusion, hurt and pain. yes i am still living in that situation, so when this friend of mine told me what happened i knew straight away what she was feeling. i may know quite a bit of things about life as i have gone through quite a bit though others have gone through more, but fortunate that i was able to help this friend of mine.

i came to realize that things can be so unpredictable but we still have to live with this cause once again this world is just a mystery. no matter how well prepared we are, we tend to drop our guard when things are how we want things to be. in front of us are just what we ever wanted and we take as it is and remove all things that may still happen... we block out these negative images cause we see what is what we wanted.

i am still struggling with what happened to me. yes time will just heal me but my senses are heightened, and dont wish this to happen to me. yes she is happy or not i am not sure. but no matter how hurt i am or us, life does not rotate around her only. slowly but surely i will be ok. i have to be, so to my friend as well, if u are reading this, u are not alone as i told u. problems are always there so just be prepared no matter how rosy it is. not suspious about it but just prepared. not only in relationships but in life.

no matter how much we love one person, if that person decides to let go it means its just not enough. we want to give even more but it may be too late. its not your fault nor mine. all we need is to compromise. but some people are just cant and do not want to compromise. all marriages work out cause its about compromising.

peace and take care

vin

a haunting past

2011-07-08T20:24:00.000-07:00

True enough everyone has a past that we wish that we could forget and move on. Sadly, thats just what we tell ourselves. to move on. is it all reality or just an illusion that or when we thought we have moved on. it feels like that past that we held so dearly like a hook on a fish, is just not going to go away. as i always tell people, time will heal but how long. the agonizing wait is just too much for some of us to hold. nevertheless, time may not full heal us but does make things easier. in my facebook i got a quote written as

"its so easy to avoid than to face it. but if you don't face it when are u going to move forward. don't stay in the past please"

Yea. so why live in the past when we can look forward and feel better for ourselves? its hard enough to conquer our daily events, problems so why do we want to still give ourselves more problems by holding to the past. well easier said than done. living in the past will hurt our future no matter may it be relationship or what it may be.

guess i got one thing to say... the past is good for memories, haunting or sweet it will be with us. but lets just not keep circling in our fantasy world, where we see it as where we are comfortable or that X factor that keeps us locked to the past. True we dont know what the future holds but know that its better than the past. we were born, we live and we move on to lead on a better life. I was told i should move on, and to that person... you should to. does not matter if the next person u will be with is me or not, but be fair to the next and give yourself a chance to love.

Well thats a short note. i guess i have lived a life with many haunting but haunting will only come when we want it to.

Peace,

vin

Talking to the moon...

2011-05-18T16:35:00.000-07:00

I know you're somewhere out there

Somewhere far away

I want you back

My neighbors think

I'm crazy

But they don't understand

You're all I have

Chorus:

At night when the stars

light up my room

I sit by myself

Talking to the Moon

Trying to get to You

In hopes you're on

the other side

Talking to me too

Or am I a fool

who sits alone

Talking to the moon

I'm feeling like I'm famous

The talk of the town

They say

I've gone mad

Yeah

I've gone mad

But they don't know

what I know

Cause when the

sun goes down

someone's talking back

Yeah

They're talking back

Chorus:

At night when the stars

light up my room

I sit by myself

Talking to the Moon

Trying to get to You

In hopes you're on

the other side

Talking to me too

Or am I a fool

who sits alone

Talking to the moon

Ahh Ahh,

Do you ever hear me calling?

Cause every night

I'm talking to the moon

Still trying to get to you

In hopes you're on

the other side

Talking to me too

Or am I a fool

who sits alone

Talking to the moon

I know you're somewhere out there

Somewhere far away

reorganization of my life

2011-05-15T05:34:00.000-07:00

After a long chat, i had to rethink about my life and priorities of my life and how it affects directly or indirectly to others. Its weird in a way that many of us dont tend to be themselves thus ending up hurting others (like what i did) to love, to give, to prioritize, to be open and others. I missed out on one view of "to love"...

To love is to give without any thoughts, just our willingness and dedication. Sometimes i guess when we want to love someone, we are scared to get hurt so we dont usually open much of ourselves to others which is a bad idea. unconditional love is the ultimate love some can give. Jesus died on the cross for us without a word of complain... we definitely cant be him but his way of showing love can be applied not only in relationships but to friends as well, yea there is a risk behind all that and thats why people are closed up sometimes. i need or we need to remember again, we cant calculate everything... what we need to do is to give without thinking. it sounds hard but its doable.

we must not be selfish and live life to the fullest, we have duties to carry out as well and i know what is mine AGAIN. why again? simple, i lost it in the midst of closure. there is no right or wrong, to me now i remember the feeling of giving. not all are able to do this but we are trained to give as much as we can to the poor and to help. especially when it comes to money... money can be earned again so why do we fear so much of not having any?

we missed out on the simplicity of life in the complexity of the modern world. simple things in life are just most valuable now a days. we need to remind ourselves that.

Without the simple things in our life, how can we handle all the complexity? o gosh... why did i lose myself and end up in this situation. true enough we dont live of others as well but what do we have to lose when we give? its how we show ourselves...

So remember what i said and it will be helpful when the time comes... simplicity...

generalist or specialist?

2011-05-01T05:50:00.000-07:00

Hi there to all the readers..

Its yet again been awhile since i wrote cause i didnt know what to write and i am not the one who write so much abt their daily activities. well anyways here it goes... generalist or specialist? its basically means do we see things in details or as a whole picture? hard to say as well as also to have a great balance of that... what do i mean? well no matter what the situation is we have to see the big picture first then detailed stuff, IDEALLY. sadly its not that way when i realised that i see things way in too much detail.

Seeing things in great detail has their advantages, we can correct every single thing but may not be what others thing as being so detailed may just seems like we think too much but its goes the other way as well... Ideals are what we want things to do right? sadly or unfortunately we have to say this... we can think or know what others are thinking and good luck guessing. so what does idealism and what others thoughts connect? we all want things to go our ideal way but its not what others want too, thats where we have to nego/compromise with each other. as much as we can be stubborn at time but still if we fight too much of what we want, we get nothing at all. our ideal world is made out of so many "this is the way it should be done" or is it? nope. give a thought about others, about what they want and thats how we are able to learn about some one more as well as start of influencing them.we give and take, as i always say. so lets not be stubborn.

U dont know what i think 100%ly as well as i dont know what u think about but i get the idea when we start talking. but just dont talk, its like air out of our mouth, just do it as well. so remember we, have to balance both being a generalist and a specialist, and also its good to know whats our ideals but sometimes we just have to let go of it as it can be a dangerous weapon that might just backfire at us. we dont want it.

Next thing, great to know i see my friends moving on, giving birth, married and all that and wish all the best for you guys. no i am not emo-ing. just sending my bestest regards to you all, close to my heart.

God bless and take care.

all this time...

2011-02-19T08:00:00.000-08:00

I realized something... how things work in our life no matter what religion, a balance of ourself... strange enough the more we reject what we dont want the more it comes back to us. Sometimes we can push what we do not want as it will hit us harder, dont you realize? so let it be. Why do i say this? this short journey with the CCGTP batch i have seen and heard many things. and been into situations where i could have lost all my emotions and unleash my wrath upon people but then again i am also with some others who are so patient with things. i am making this complicated am i?

Well this is the story, guy X is a person who can trigger my emotions negatively but i know people such as hasta and refdi whose patience is unquestionable, i learn more about how to handle things as well as making me realize that smashing that person up is not the solution. I was told that no matter what we have to endure when we can. like it or not. but i still feel that sometimes its not about enduring our emotions but lessons need to be taught to that guy X. i have changed my ways from last time... so please before acting or speaking, think for a bit... focus our emotions else where and smile.

no matter what happens, there are people who will test ur patience and there are people who will support you. balance things out... so rmb that. life is not that sucky when others say shit about us. cause there are others who will lift us up, who can depend on as well. but dont forget when we are needed we must be there... apart from this, i see that there are many people who are actually not who we think they are, so show who we are... true self gains the highest respect, but showing our different side of us must be done only to which situations.

last piece of advise, cherish everyone, good and bad... it will develop us... be positive, be confident, dont let anyone bring that confidence of urs down, only we can do that.

-u take control of your own life-

God bless

F.E.A.R

2010-11-23T01:54:00.000-08:00

I was asked whats fear by a friend. so what is fear? Or whats your greatest fear? For me is the fear of heights, well all fears can be cured I guess just by facing it once or multiple times. Then again, many have tried to conquer their fears by trying to face them but made it worse for some reason.

There is though another form of fear than physical fears such as emotional and mental fears. Well I am not a pro at this but the thing is that fear is a good and can be a bad thing at the same time as fear some times stop us to go for our goals, good? well it challenges us somewhat so really depends on how your definition of fear is. To me, Emotional fear is really... annoying... Fear of losing someone for instance, this fear creates jealousy, over-protectiveness and other negative issues. This can be associated to your close family and friends. Relationships or those who are going to "pass on". For relationship wise, instead of fearing of losing that person, just simply care for that person I suppose but dont go too far and oversuspicious, this to me, create unnecessary issues. Its pretty normal for people to get jealous at times but constantly, its kinda annoying trying to pamper and feed that other person's feel of insecurity. Learn how to pull and let go i guess. For the second issue. well just be ready, but then again we can never be ready for losing someone out of the blue... to me if it happens, it happens. Cherish little things day by day, be thankful and grateful for the day. But guess not everyone gets that.

Everyone is fearful over something at least. thats what makes us human. But with God's help, anything is possible. :)

-wanting everything will make you lose everything-

its been awhile

2010-10-19T03:37:00.000-07:00

yea i know... its been a while since i updated my blog and all these time that i have been away from my blog, many things have happened... too many. well the thing is that i didnt know how or what to write... still i do not know what to write. ppl always write interesting things in their blog about what is happening in their life but i guess i am not that kind of person to write their feelings and their actions.

anyways, here i am to write something... yea i quit my job, i am proud but not proud at the same time. confusing? well makes 2 of us (or how many are reading this) the reason being is just a moral conflict, i am good at analysis but this previous job ... well its like cheating people's money and i got a comment from other analyst saying that indonesian's investment companies are just too aggressive and i agree with that. so i am out cause i see people investing their money (life savings as such) and it is being traded by a new trader who doesnt know anything about trading and the economics of the world. it took me 2 months to know the basics of it and its really hard and i say this even when i am good at it. so all i can do is to help them analyse and also to provide them support and readings. well bosses aint happy abt it... why? cause if the client makes money, they cant get more money in... indonesian's way of doing business. crappy? yea. so once again thats y i am out.

so i am bumming now. whats next? looking for jobs again but so far i am getting calls from international companies just dont know which to pick... i guess i will just take the first one that gives me a letter of offer.

alright enough about my job... so what else did i miss out huh...? oh yea still trying to take better pictures but didnt have much time to do last time so now i have more time and will be selling my pictures online soon! soon i said not already... *still chasing my dreams of a photographer but still have so much to learn*

[break from writing]

[and continue]

currently i am being interviewed by coke and its been the fourth interview. i hope things went well but i am kinda lack of confidence though. but we will see how it goes. so what am i doing now? i was asked to become an English tution teacher. which i took the offer. not bad payment. english teacher... ha... hmmm... potential. came to think i wanted to become a curtin lecturer... and people said "ah? u become a lecturer?" i dont look like one? hmmm...

anyways, this is a short and brief post so i hope that i will be more consistent with my posting as i dont really have the mood most of the times...

[with God, everything is possible]

my current position.

2010-05-24T06:38:00.000-07:00

Alright. like i said, now that i am working in this company, many things have happened. well first thing first and most impt thing. my position in this company, my probation position is assistant to general manager for 3 mths. hmmm.

b4 the interview i applied for marketing executive. during the interview, offered marketing manager. and so thats what i thought when i passed my probation. its great! yea! erm... sort of. it ends there? nope. after the general meeting, my boss pointed that i wasnt the marketing manager to be. i was like "...what?" and he continued... alvin u are the marketing analyst specialist. so the marketing dept depend on you. i was like... er "WHAT?!" guess things are going the highway. but yea comes with a price. gonna be hard... dont get me wrong. i am thankful yet again. but looks like i got to devote my time more on work and not like i got things to do in indonesia anyways.

think honestly i got to pray hard to make sure this is my direction or not. i am fearful and doubtful still but guess nth much can be done for now. so the rest of u. take care please... the world is starting to wake up on the wrong side of her bed. hail storms, floods n others. take care.

signing off

vin

short note...

2010-05-18T06:05:00.000-07:00

After a long time of waiting in Singapore for the passes, i decided to just head to Indonesia to get a job there. and indeed i got a job there. what as? Probation for Marketing Manager for an investment company, PT Jalatama Artha Berjangka. Fortunate? I guess so, as they just opened a new office so they need loads of new people. and so i applied. Anyways, I am just happy that I found a job that pays rather well and be able to help people get money! Though its gonna be hard but ya...

Interestingly enough, i have to attain my target and kinda worried but the rest of the team are going to help out. i just wish that everything will be ok. I still feel rather taken back with all this, is this for real? are there really that good of a company and people? dont get me wrong though, i am thankful for their kindness.

I guess i am blessed still. being looked after from above. and the prayers that have been said that have reached God. nevertheless things could be better but why think that way when things are good for now? always be optimistic. when and if i do become a marketing manager for this company, got to return all the help i have received.

I wonder how is everyone? please do keep in touch okie? though i will be busy but i will still pray for all and wont forget any of u. thk u once again to everyone...

Ps: if u know anyone wanna invest in stocks let me know =) thks! email me at hartanto_alvin@yahoo.com for more detail.

its finally over... till i study again...

2010-04-26T03:40:00.000-07:00

ok i am done with my studies. but made me think after a friend messaged me saying that i was remembered the most of all friends as i have been through a lot just to get this paper. no not financially but anything other than financially (apart from my parent's finances). looking back, yes indeed i have been through a lot and realized that i am more than capable of university studies, if i actually put my effort in it. when i was in Curtin Malaysia, proud to say i didnt fail any units. but i think the wiser lessons were learnt when i was in australia with all the crap that i stepped on, big and small.

So this made me conclude something as well. i am an average person with average brains and throw in all the laziness. no matter who u are, how "stupid" you feel especially when u didnt do well, push on. just keep pushing. true enough at times we are lazy and all but the thing is that eventually u will make it. some may take longer times when the rest like me but still able to break through.

trust urself, believe u are able to do it. thats all it takes. honestly, there will be a lot of tests and trials along the way which will tempt us to go sideways but always go back to ur original path. anyways dun feel bad or down when u fail... get up and keep getting up. u will never lose the battle if u keep getting up.

signing off~

alright...

2010-04-21T21:54:00.000-07:00

alright i have reached KL. for the first time and at Starbucks in LCCT. the journey from singapore to here wasnt a good time to say the least. well for the first face that i had to wake up at 5am... secondly, upon reaching KL i got lost in the airport. (its my first time...) when i wanted to get a pen from my luggage i cut/poked myself unintentionally... yea u know what happened next... it started the bleed, nope... didnt stop there... it gushed out. weird? yea. everyone was looking at me thinking what the hell i did to my self. nothing was the answer. so i was brought to the clinic. and sat there for an hour... till it stopped bleeding... yea an hour ... thats how much blood i have in my little finger of mine. so i had to pay 70RM to get the treatment as well as their antibotics.... for what? i dont know. they said due to the exposure of my wound. come on.. a tiny so tiny pin like hole...

Now just sitting and waiting for time to pass. but i wanna ask. do i have that helpful kind face? oO! why i ask? its because no matter in the indonesian airport, singapore or KL airport there is people who just ask me for help. though there are many and no... not the dodgy people. but its ok. made new "friends".

anyways thats a short short note cause i have no damn idea on what to write or do now. just wasting my time. Graduates and Miri friends, SEE U ALL SOON!

signing off~

here i am...

2010-04-16T04:43:00.000-07:00

alright... its been a very so very long time since i said something here. so here i am to say something. well employment pass been rejected. so what now? back to indonesia for the time being but yea still appealing for my pr status and see how it goes. ultimately i wanna be back in singapore where i believe i belong to. well since i cant work there imma try working in indonesia, malaysia or australia even but i aint giving up just like that without a fight.

currently i am working at my sister's / mum's company till i get another job. well i have learnt how many times we fail, we still got to get up. tiring man. but so be it lah. cant do much abt it also. just quit whining i guess.

i look ard me and seeing friends getting jobs in singapore and sort of envious over them but yea cant do much about it and just got to live with the decision that i made years back. now i just sit in the office doing my own work. well tmrw there will be a presentation for students here and preparations are all done so just have to wait for tmrw.

one good thing i think about this place is they have frozen yogurt called "Sour Sally" and yea its nice. how to put into expression? sweetness... yum. alright thats abt it. nah indonesia isnt all that bad but i tend to be in self denial saying that i hate it i hate it and yea i hate it. widen our view on something and be optimistic over this doesnt hurt so i did. sometimes in life, just have to be optimistic no matter how hard it can be such as when i got the result for my EP i was damn disheartened but i felt i had more things to explore. (damn ep...) ^^ anyways dont lose hope in anything u set your heart into, no matter how dark the clouds can be, the sun will eventually peek through and brighten your path.

Smile and the world smiles with u. fart and u stand alone < shirt ="">

signing off

vin

alrighty then~

2010-03-19T21:08:00.000-07:00

right... so i am considered a depressed person? emotional? ah well. uniquely me i guess. its not like i wanna be that or this way its just that the situations around me are just... overwhelming? the things i have to deal with is not much (compared to others maybe) but its just tiring to listen to same things again and again. then again, i am kinda inconsistent. i just ended with an argument with my mum and realise that i guess there are better ways to deal with arguments, well, properly.

you know when you are in an argument, we tend to be blinded and minds tend to be clouded? thats when the pin pointing, name calling, sarcastic self appear. and there are 2 ways to end of the arguments, either taking the blame or giving it away. both are valid only if it is done the right way. we have to force ourselves to some how listen PROPERLY. its, like i said really hard esp when we get defensive. but force to listen because with good listening, we will be able to pick out points to thinking about.

it is hard as well to make a comeback without shouting or screaming but its the best choice we have as shouting back does escalate the argument so much more. capture the points we had when we listened and just say it back not shout, the other may get tired from shouting and talk properly eventually. use our hearts and not our minds to talk it out. honestly, its hard to make a comeback after being shot at but its a way to train our mind on how to receive information and process it in our mind. see arguments arent all that bad. =S

its sometimes how things are being said that may lead to an argument. even phrases can be misunderstood. i am sure this is right cause i know it a little too well. so what happens then? ask again. is this what is really asked for? is this what is required by me? explain your understanding to make sure if the issue is on the same line. rmb do not scream. be calm though as much as we want to scream. explaining ur understanding of the issue may be as good as it might find that fault or root of cause of the argument.

1. listen, get the information

2. analyse the information

3. confirm if its the right issue

4. do not scream!

5. preferably do not point fingers, but sometimes we have to. and even if we do have to, not in a fierce and "its all you!" way

(all of which is not in any order) and i had to do all those steps in a matter of seconds, midst of the argument. but then though its not the best and could be the crapest... but its my way of solving things.

signing off~

we are all different or are we the same?

2010-03-02T22:25:00.000-08:00

Back from the dead... Well life still the same for me, nth interesting i guess. still waiting for the employment pass if not... anyone has opening.

anyways, back to what i wanted to write on. everyone knows that we have a unique difference in each and everyone of us... rite? well i hope everyone knows that. what are our strengths and weaknesses are not for us to decide but its always better to know from another person's view point. why? simple. we tend to be bias towards ourselves. not much ppl like being told in their face who they really are but i guess these people are in denial.

why do people make so much effort in comparing each other? simple... cause of a quote from i dunno who "someone will always be better than you are" its true about that but its annoying when parents start to compare you with another kid next door on so many issues. but know this, though it might be irritating and frustrating, they meant well, its some form of motivation to push us further than we ourselves can think of. but as i always like to say. everyone has their limits. how to get over it? make sure you prove or show them that you are doing what you can SINCERELY... not just for show.

alright 2nd part ...

currently i am seriously at a lost ... i dunno where am i heading, what am i doing or WHY i am doing things in certain ways. guess the anxiety of my future i guess, and it all holds on that pass. though we want to stay strong at times but because of the situation we are at its so hard. we fall and get up again and fall and up and fall, it just repeats and its hard at times cause we are lazy and do not wish to get up again but then how long can we stay fallen? no matter what we have to get up, move on with life though it aint easy but still we have to not give up. tiring and not motivated to do anything we force ourselves to move on cause of other factors. always rmb there are ppl who are worse off than us so we can compare with those who are less fortunate but never giving up. we have to have certain reason to get up, what is that reason? its all up to u.

Being consistent is my problem i guess... even if i have my reasons, it changes. so i am now keeping my goals as simple and keep working on it... dont keep changing because of the situation at hand. goals we have in life are meant to be consistent and constant <>

signing off

chocolate vs sex...?

2010-02-05T04:54:00.000-08:00

Chocolate vs Sex... Kinda true. Featured in a talked. Funny...

1. You can GET chocolate.

2. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

3. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

4. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

5. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

6. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

7. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

8. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

9. You can have chocolate on your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

10. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

11. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

12. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

13. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

14. Good chocolate is easy to find.

15. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

16. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

17. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

18. With chocolate size doesn't matter.

courage and fortitude...

2010-01-28T07:33:00.000-08:00

fortitude - the mental and emotional strength in facing difficulties courageously. i just came back from a seminar talking about various virtues which will last for 4 weeks and this week is all about courage and it was definitely an eye opener.

let me share my thoughts on this... and so the rest can think about it as well. well as said before, fortitude is the mental and emotional strength when facing great difficulties courageously and the emotions we have makes things even more difficult as it distracts us from doing the right things. the main issue about fortitude is FEAR. what is your fear? how did we over come this fear? and how will this fear affect us in ethical views?

so how do we handle difficulties and fear in our daily life? 2 ways, attack or endure, both ways simply to put it is just to face it. running away from it (avoiding) does not help it at all, eventually is comes back haunting us again and its true its hard to face it at times but at least get over and done with. we are born to survive so naturally we fear death and pain. then it came to my attention... if someone had a near death experience and does not fear death, then what? the ans is: is that person afraid to die just because he wants to drink Coke? if yes, there goes your ans. if not thats mean that person does not value his life. why i ask this question? i have been through this. i was blinded thinking i am not afraid of death but when dying for unreasonable situations, makes me not valuing life. confusing? but then again those people who attempted suicide before may be of different case as quoted by someone: "Fear = Love". this quote hit me straight away. "love for life, fear of hurting others" some people do it because they fear that they are a burden to other people, they do it not because they hate life but they love life. yea... same reaction when i first heard it... HUH? reflect on that and u will understand slowly. and trust me, its really meaningful. NOT ASKING YOU TO TRY! but the reason why people do it.

fortitude... where does it come in? it takes great fortitude (mental and emotional strength) to overpower or endure fear and pain. 2 parts: Overcome the fear (attacking) or suppressing the fear/difficulties (enduring). choose and running away is NOT part of the option.

another issue that was discussed was patience. what is patience? does it have to do anything and everything with time only? nope. another eye opener for all... true patience does not mean waiting but enduring trials given to us without sadness.

with these, go think about it. about your fear, fortitude, courage and patience and how it links together. and once u can master how to control your fear with the right amount of fortitude, courage and patience, we will be able to make better decision (may not be the best) in the future. but let it be known that fear must be at the right amount. too much will make you somewhat paranoid and fearless, thats mean you do not appreciate life. and lastly, the fear you have, please try not to have an unreasonable fear of like a cockroach... something greater in you, something you are more afraid of, something that will affect your life and future. after knowing that, apply and reflect on how to deal with it.

"every action has a reaction" a famous phrase. turning it around, if your fear creates a reaction that might hurt or harm someone (emotionally, mentally or physically such as losing their lives) then better learn how to overcome that fear as we can never know that one day THAT particular fear will come into play at critical times. example: if a boy is drowning, and you fear the water is cold or whatever fear that prevents you from saving that kid (assuming you know how to swim), and the kid drowns because of your fear, then it would be morally wrong to do so. this is where courage and fortitude comes into play. so reflect and do not let your greatest fear get the best out of you.

-signing off-

- all in faith -

2010-01-25T17:16:00.000-08:00

its been awhile since i last wrote as i was busy finding for jobs and such. sigh its hard due to my current situation. what situation u may ask? i wan to work in Singapore but i gave up my pr when i went off to aust. so now i am worried if my employment / s pass will be affected by my previous actions.

nevertheless i found a job after months of cracking my brain and applying online and very fortunate to be allowed in by in2 which is a marketing firm. but i have Him to thank the most. this is a true incident that happened not long ago... what happened? well i have been praying hard to be able to get a job and i always get back a response back saying "trust in me." last week, i went for a reconciliation and i prayed again, and during a section of the reconciliation i felt like it was directed to me which had the same msg "trust in Him, trust in the Lord." miracle? i should think so. i will continue to trust him as he is the only one who knows what i really need as well as being able to perform miracles, grateful. people reading this might think i am that holy but this story is so true that i have to share... trust in the Lord as he knows what is best for us. i will continue to pray and ask Mother Mary as well to pray for me.

so now i am waiting for the pass, i cant help feeling so... nervous and doubtful cause of my situation but we will see... so who are in2? well as i said they are a marketing and event firm dealing with companies such as Microsoft which i would be working as a sales ambassador. passed the first interview and went on to the second which was the first done by in2 and the second? Microsoft. 2 interviewers and Janice. great to know that i had positive feedback after that. so one of the question was "do u know whats your job scope?" of course i replied yes. and then she said, "well thats part of it." there's more?! challenging. Apart from showing demos, sales and what other sales person have to do, i have to manage the whole place by myself. yeap. myself... dont really know what else to it but i have to wait for the pass first (which i hopefully get it) then training, then i will know what the heck i will be really doing. so now i was told that the higher authority wants to meet me for a "meetup" and get to know me. another interview? Janice said doubt it but still i will have to be prepared.

once again its all back to the pass i need, so doesnt matter how many times i do the interviews or offered how many jobs but still it leads to the pass. pray for me please.

- signing off -

alvin~?

2010-01-17T09:25:00.000-08:00

i was decided to check what the heck is the meaning of my name: alvin

(latin) - white (comments: W T H ?)

(german) - friend to all; noble friend; friend of elves

(english) - elven friend.

whats with the elves?!

and for my surname? obviously... not surprisingly...

nothing came out from the search

and so the search continues.... google: alvin hartanto. RESULTS?

either i didnt know that i set up some social network (other than facebook) or i forgot abt it...

1. facebook

2. hi5

3. other ppl's blog

4. friendster...

gosh i feel that i am boring ppl...

endurance~

2010-01-14T07:26:00.000-08:00

its a bitch when we want something and just cant have it for what ever reasons it maybe but i came to realize that all we need is patience... eventually we will get it just when will it be. true enough we are born to be impatient especially when we REALLY want that item. but still we can have it and we throw our frustration and feel so irritated at times, may sound like a little kid but think it through, IT HAPPENS!

For example of my situation of finding for a job. i fear the worst of not able to get a job so i kept sending out my resumes... no reply and i was starting to get impatient but slow calls started to come in bit by bit and though its not a 100% that i would be getting a job but still... being patient is a hard issue to handle especially when emotions are in place, overcoming your logical thinking and rational actions. all i can say is that when things do not go how we want it, hang in there... there are times when we get angry and all emotional but trust me... its for nth. more wrinkles and high blood pressure builds up and i am sure that would make things worse. easier said than done right? yes.

but i mean... doesn't hurt to hang in there right? sigh... we face problems on a daily basis and getting all emotional and impatient doesnt really solve it does it? endurance may be hazardous if done wrongly... what do i mean by this? there are times when we are suppose to let go and push. take it in and showing it all. by keeping it all in... its going to blow up one day. TRUST ME on this, cause it happened on me. know when and who that can help with your problems such as me telling my problems of finding a job to my friends and family, as they are able to support you when you are at your weakest times (although this isnt my weakest times, but still u get the point) and dont just go blaming everything anything if things dont go the way we always wanted or wished for but be grateful as things may be worse off.

for what i believe, God has plans for us from the day we made us in his own image. every path we take He has already mapped out as He knows us so well that we had to go through all the shit that we have been through and will be going through in our life. its his plan, making us learn and testing our faith. so dont give up and dont lose that faith as sometimes, just sometimes we are blinded by the superficial things in front of us.

~signing off~

a simple msg... from me to u~

2010-01-10T07:30:00.000-08:00

Never Gonna Be Alone lyrics
Songwriters: Kroeger, Chad; Lange, Mutt;

Time, is going by, so much faster than I
And I'm starting to regret not spending all of here with you
Now I'm wondering why I've kept this bottled inside
So I'm starting to regret not selling all of it to you
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know

You're never gonna be alone from this moment on
If you ever feel like letting go, I won't let you fall
You're never gonna be alone, I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone

And now, as long as I can, I'm holding on with both hands
'Cause forever I believe
That there's nothing I could need but you
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know

You're never gonna be alone from this moment on
If you ever feel like letting go, I won't let you fall
When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on
We're gonna see the world out, I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone

Oh, you've gotta live every single day
Like it's the only one, what if tomorrow never comes?
Don't let it slip away, could be our only one
You know it's only just begun, every single day
Maybe our only one, what if tomorrow never comes?
Tomorrow never comes

Time is going by so much faster than I
And I'm starting to regret not telling all of this to you

You're never gonna be alone from this moment on
If you ever feel like letting go, I won't let you fall
When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on
We're gonna see the world out, I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone

I'm gonna be there always
I won't be missing a word all day
I'm gonna be there always
I won't be missing a word all day

just takes 1~

2010-01-08T16:52:00.000-08:00

Top 3 Songs for me now:
1. Nickleback - Never Gonna be Alone
2. One Republic - Secrets
3. One Republic - All the Right Moves

it just takes 1 mistake to ruin a whole lot of things... but i always believe its an experience that I would not want NOT to miss it so that I can help others if this kind of things happened to someone else again. Anyways, no matter what I got to stay strong, as strong as I need and I am needed.

hmmm.... still having a hard time finding for a job but can do anything about it as well. have to just keep finding unless i am able to get back my PR or change to citizenship. complicated. come to think of it my life is never a straight path. even from the start i never realised it till now.. oh gosh. well doesnt matter to me i guess.

mayb i will just stay home and stone for now... sigh. dunno what else to write... ah yes... uncle is getting better from operation and hope as well he recovers fast, parents are back in singapore as well, guess the house is not as quiet anymore since my mum is back.

hmm... i shld stop helping others and getting myself into different mess... but... i cant even if i wan to~

signing off~

decisions~

2009-12-22T05:10:00.000-08:00

its definite that everyone has to make a decision at some point of time whether they like it or not. Decisions can be hard to make in different issues, simple issue of Mac Donalds or KFC? For all I know some do not like to make decision cause either they are just plain lazy or indecisive while another would like to make the decisions that are given to them.

From my own personal experience, those who dares to make that decision have more of the leadership qualities while those who cant really make up their mind are just the followers, this is IF the choice was given to make that decision or not.

It is hard to make a decision when we are stuck in between friends or in a relationship. A choice we have to make, having that thought "if I agree I will be damned, if I don't I will be evenly damned." What should we do when the time comes? Its not an easy solution and no definite way of solving or choosing. But there are questions that we can consider when the time comes such as, if is really worth it to risk a friend because of this issue? I, myself at times tend to think short term benefits as the we or I am rather impatient and wish to get it over and done with, also the long term benefits are just in a mist, clouded our judgments.

Lets take an example of a relationship. Should A go or should A stay? It is really hard to consider especially when one is in "love". Why do I use "? Simple... Blinded. I am not talking about anyone in particular but a relationship is the easiest way to give an example when making decisions. True fact that we need a certain equality with the 2 but sometimes we tend to force our way into making things work. A friend came up to me and asked me a few things, why is things not working out or such. My friend had to make a decision of letting go or staying. From what I saw, both has their faults and I told that friend what he/she wants in a relationship. Prioritize! Family comes first so if there are already disagreement there are 2 ways to settle it, (Like my sister said) prove it to your parents that he/she is not the way they think and if still it doesnt work... Sorry. It may not take once or twice to prove to the parents about the person but dont be led into deceit that you can keep trying forever and this is what i call "blinded". Its not wrong but not right at the same time.

I love to make decisions and even when the time comes to make a hard one, there are things in my mind that I should review:

1. What/who is the priority?

2. How will it benefit me (we have to be selfish)?

3. How will it effect my long term goals?

I know these are simple questions and logical but yes, easier said than done. But one thing we sometimes lack of is honesty to answer these 3 questions. We have to consider the experiences we gained and put into the issues at hand cause we would not want to make the same wrong decisions. Its just the 3 questions which would impact on how I make my decisions. After that do not regret. Learn from mistakes, and grab the opportunities.

Simple yet hard cause of honesty...

~signing off~

where am i?

2009-12-10T08:14:00.000-08:00

i have an identity crisis here... everytime i see a picture of australia especially places i know i miss that place so much... ever since i turned 18 i moved a lot... so much that i dunno where is my home. home is usually the place ur heart is at. where u feel comforty, but at times i dunno where am i suppose to be, singapore? australia? malaysia? indonesia? like i said i move too much. no matter where i am i will start missing that place as each hold a special feeling, a special memory in me.

this isnt the first for me to feel this way but looking at the passports i held... so many chops of different entries... i wan to be home but where? i feel lost at time but still i know its some where close to me no matter wat. i love my frens and "family" in australia but i grew up in singapore but have an indonesian blood and i finished my studies in malaysia. confusing? its pretty simple but its complicating for me, not forgetting how hard is it. people say i am lucky to be able to move so much, yes i am but its really hard to know that i need to loosen the strings when i need to.

my mum asked me, do u wan to be a singapore citizen? or indonesian? i replied, singaporean. why? i have been set on that for a while... i know its hard being here where i am but i am sure that i wan to be here. but i know as well it is sad for my parents, coz i am the only son... and they are indonesian. is there such thing as a universal citizen? great if i could be one.yea rite...

but i know... the path has been placed for me... and all these times i have chosen a path that is hard and painful for me and ppl around me. yet i took it... but lessons are learnt, broken and bleed, fell and rose... thats life for me. i cant give up and i wont. i remembered my head mechanic told me and other mechanics in australia once: " Hartanto will get what he wants everytime. no matter how he does it, he will get it. " yea thats me... where there is a way, there's a will... just need to find that way and will to do it.

*listens to "letter" by Yiruma*

so whatever path that each and everyone of u take... bad or good dont give up nor should u be taking it for granted. we have 1 life, though its filled with many chances. take the first chance we see, live with the choices we make and not regret as regret is always about the past. and some ppl cant move on cause they cant let go of their past though we want to so much... know that there are people around us to support us when we need that extra help. just need to shout it out to them.

I have taken so many things for granted and so blinded by the worldly cares. slowly opening my small eyes just to see the dmg that have been done by my own hands. i know that i cant amend everything in this life time but i know that i will do my best to straighten things out. this is my life, this is how i feel...

~signing off, God bless~

moving on~

2009-12-09T07:20:00.001-08:00

Firstly, congrats to those who made it through the last and final semester, wishing the group to succeed in what ever they might be into. For those who didnt score well or did badly, pull up your socks! Buckle up and work harder!

So whats next? vacation? doubt it... straight into finding a job. and i am glad... so very fortunate to have friends to help me with this as well, Gen, Irene, Shawn, Mel and so much more! Thank you. As from the start, i tend to take things for granted but things changed so much after a faithful incident, pretty much a blessing in disguise...

I was told as well that I was lucky that econ is recovering, that i have to agree... and i pray for the rest of the people that they will get a job they really like. I missed times when i was in miri and is a memory that will stay in my mind and heart but ... hmmm think i said my words of thks in the previous post...

So coming back to what should i be doing now? Like i said finding jobs. Finding the job we really wanna do is not easy at all but be determined and pray hard... Have a little faith and trust... U are more capable of doing more things than u know it. Honestly, i am guilty of that myself... before the results, yes i do have confidence but still that percentage of doubt and fear always lives in each and everyone of us. we know it but yet... i got people to thk for supporting as well making jokes like "how can u fail the only 2 exams?!" anything is possible...

after i got my results i cld just breathe so much easier and i know many do too. i was so happy to see people updating their facebook saying that they passed all, or graduated officially... for u guys, i will see u in the convo! we worked hard for it... its time to get it back.

Now ending on this note... if anyone has passed through any vacancies on event management or marketing jobs pls let me know! leave a comment or drop me an email at hartanto_alvin@yahoo.com. or even msn me. thanks a bunch!

-signing off-

2 views~

2009-11-24T21:18:00.000-08:00

"I am not the best cause there are better out there.

I am not the worst but I can be bad.

Its not easy being me but there are worse out there.

I have valued the best and avoided the worst.

Gone through countless situations but yet to come.

Missed my chances but more incoming.

Seen my darkest hour, lived to experienced it.

Illusions clouded my mind, but a breath of fresh air helped.

Burdens are heavy but I ain't alone.

I thank my friends and forgive my enemies.

We live our lives with regrets and sorrows

forgetting whats at the other end of the path."

My life, my feelings, my words - Signing off~~

exams & more~!

2009-11-07T08:19:00.000-08:00

exams are here. i feel more stressed out more than any other times for some weird reasons though I just have 2 units to take thats abt it and still. Hmmm... well i am going to miss this place and the people here, css group! gosh time flies... and my dearest "sisters" jiun and chen, oh wat funny girls they are. these are my msges to people:

Adeline Seah: Thank you for everything, for the patience, the care, the concern, the warmth, the understand, the love, the support, so many and i cant stop naming all those things you have done. Even though you are not in Miri but still thanks for the memories as well which is in captured in my mind and heart. I really hope this can continue. Thank you so much...

Siaw Jiun: All the best and keep up with your photography! Doing very well! Hope you will find your happiness. Rmb that your smile always ALWAYS brings warmths and happiness to anyone who sees it. I know Chen would agree with that.

Wei Chen: Keep your dreams alive. Keep it with you. Fall and get up! u'll have my support in any! You'll not lose me as a friend and as a "bro". Be safe and dun be emo too many times. But when you are know that i will still be there to listen to your complains. :) Take care little sisters.

LC: Teddy bear! Be safe and always look like one! I wish you happiness and success in what you do... *Facial*

CSS: Please keep CSS alive! God Bless and thanks for the memories and will be cherished... which there are too many.

Alywin:Boss, thanks for sharing things with me. Means a lot... Glad to have know you. Keep in touch please! Hope to see u soon and my prayers will be with you. And hope you will get what you always wanted, in love, in work, in studies...

Gary & Elly:Thanks for everything and I wish u all the best in everything. Good luck and God Bless.

Dickson: Be good thats all i ask for. Dun let your emotions take over you...

Rachel, Rainy and Sharon: Forget me not! Thanks for everything. :) AND BE GOOD! UNCLE NOT THERE TO 'GUAN' YOU ALL! I hope you wont forget me. Take care okie?

Khe Han & Gang: Nice to know u guys! Keep in contact yea? Keep photographing and hope one day you guys will make it big. Wont forget you all~

The rest of youS: Dun think that if i didnt mentioned you, that i forgotten u. each of you plays a part in who i am today and this made me a happier, stronger, wiser (i think) and in other ways that is never ending. though my thanks can never be enough but u all will still be in my thoughts, in my heart.

Concluding this, I have always be a "jumper", always going here and there but always grateful for the people i met, the experiences i gained. Its time for me to be somewhere else now. but will still be around thats for sure! and i know that all my friends will not be a far of a distance, who knows our path may cross again. God Bless all and Love you all.

signing off~

motivation

2009-10-10T09:28:00.000-07:00

lack of motivation? well all the time we see how demotivated we can be and start thinking what if I went for the motivation course? chances are... its not going to last long. simple reason: its up to us. our selves.

we go into the motivation and get out all pumped up but still doesnt last long... its again up to us. why do i say that? simple... for me... motivational classes are temp boost to ur self motivation and give u a feeling that u have that self motivation that u can use. IN OTHER WORDS, we are too blinded to see that we have our motivation inside us, too hard to unlock it and with these classes it sounds like its the key to do so... we have to keep our determination up of motivating ourselves.

my method for self motivation... i look deep into myself and find whats keeping me going all these years. once found... thats my goal in life, the motivation that keeps me going. if u cant find it.. thats mean u havent looked hard enuff. when we fall again and again we feel so low and dun feel like getting up sometimes but the thing is there are ppl out there worse off but still they can keep going... its never the end. get up or u can never reach that stage u want, u desire. keep in mind... its never the end. there are worse situations we can be in and there is no time to drop. get up and keep going. life is never easy, no one said it was so get up and walk again. no time to waste...

signing off~

Jun Jie's - Sarang Hae Yo

2009-09-10T17:13:00.001-07:00

friends or fiends? neither

2009-09-05T19:39:00.000-07:00

ever feel that sometimes ur frens are taking advantage of u? welcome to the real world then. its true that we have good frens and such but the thing is... why some are close yet others are just friends? simple ans...

its known that humans are selfish (a little at the least), humans tend to take advantage of each other. but here is the difference between good and normal friends. will they do the same when the times come? how can u relate with them? i have experienced enough of people who needs help and then come to u. if not they cant be bothered. i am kinda immune to it. all i just wanna do is help others, and i dun expect anything in return. simple? its nt that easy coz when u are in need who will u turn to? for me... my Lord. since he is always there.

Anyways, dun be disheartened when u feel that friends are so called "making use" of you. at least u know what kind of person they are. so this is a simple advise. from my view at least and others my critique this advise. help when u can... and dun expect anything much coz u know that u might not get something in return. when u feel this way and u are neutral to it then thats good. coz when they come and thk u, NOW thats the bonus u get. its hard coz people tend to feel disappointed with certain people when the returns are not returned and start to think "sigh. i do this for them and i feel that they are taking advantage of me..." this kind of attitude will bring u down for sure. as said so many times dun put so much hope of friendship returns but the most important thing is that "Be Thankful for the Wonderful Friends Who Respect you..." like i said thats the bonus. I watched a movie called fireproof, and this one section hit me most:

"She (or he, can be anyone a friend or whoever) doesnt love me, the things i do for her, she neglects me, never thank me for anything and throws anger at me over and over again... Why should i love her back?!" At this point he looks at his dad and the cross where Jesus died for us and came to realise... Thats what Jesus (He) did for us. Although we rejected him at times, and go against him, He still loves us a lot and put himself on the cross. For us. And he came to realise that the things he does to his wife is not for his own but for them. Obstacles are always there to break us apart but be strong and keep doing it, knowing the reason why we are doing what we do. to help to love to care for those who needs us. So do not lose ur heart but be happy to know that u helped someone.

In this movie, its hard to do things we dun like but we must hang on as life... isnt always a happy road but a road with trials. survive. we have to be strong, though the cross we carry is heavy but we will have to make it through.

sunday = lazy day

2009-08-30T00:45:00.000-07:00

Sundays... is a good day? Not really when u have things to do. been procrastinating all week long but now the date due for assignments are just in 3 days time. And i am done only reading some of the journals that i found. At least its something. I will bet ppl reading this would feel that they are procrastinating as well =P cmon.. its a sunday its normal.

Sundays in aust would be cleaning my car. cant say the same now...

ahh too lazy to write anything now... had a phrase in my head few days ago... a phrase that just popped out from my mind:

".... i still feel the same when the time i said i love u most..." hartanto 2009

simple words of you

2009-08-20T01:43:00.000-07:00

i am tired of everything but you...
simply because...

you are my fighting spirit in a losing battle
my light that guides me in my darkest moments
my strength when i found my weakness
my power when i have none left
my pillar when the roof and walls crumbles

simple words from u may seem nothing but
it just means everything to me
a gentle touch is a feeling that is indescribable

this is why i am not tired of everything anymore
simply because of
you...

Something which just came out from my mind... =P

e first few weeks of my finals...

2009-08-11T11:40:00.001-07:00

sucks... (read topic thks)

Nope not going to end the post like that (duh~)... well it was kinda hectic cause of my initial timetable... hmmm i wonder if i've wrote abt my timetable... hmmms... anyways i was told business capstone was fun. well it wasnt till i got to understand it but still aint fun. journals, meetings and all that. i cant complain, its better than work i guess. so better make the best of what is left of my uni life. Group members are great, well except for one who didnt really know what to do. But i was well taught ^^ and so i helped my team mates as well hopefully they cld understand. its more or less our final sem and want them to score as well. as the days go by we will do our best.

Hmmm... MPP (Marketing Professional Practice) sounds professional right? yea... i was "cheated" as well... its marketing for non profitable organization. "wtf?!" right? yea... same reaction with the rest of the students who took the unit...

OB (Organizational Behaviour) - Lew again... one of the best lec i must say but marks u get for assignments from him is... hmmm.... very high standard. cant really blame him as he reads lots and a very knowledgeable person... psychological unit, interesting but too much theories which bores me. kinda...

Business Ethics - Who really practices this? i do know organizations have CSR and all that but ethics? hmmm really doubt they have good ethics when they are given difficult choices to make. one has to survive rite? its business anyways and not everyone's ethics and morals are the same anyways, which in turn will conflict with one's ethics as well. Survival once again.

Listening to 我知道 - By2... yea yea i know... i barely to chinese songs but i was at kaiyee's blog... on yea... forgot... i was turning and tossing trying to slp but i cant.. air con needs damn servicing... and i think i am abusing the fan.. might drop any time soon... looks like it at least.

Oh yea. the haze. hmmm i just keep hoping that the haze is actually fog.... yea thats how bad it is. it wld be so nice and cooling everyday even though i cldnt see 100m in front of me. too bad its still haze no matter how much i wished it was fog... *random note* room's a mess

time to roll back to bed... sighSs... Peace...

LET ME KNOW~!

2009-07-30T19:54:00.000-07:00

ANYONE WHO HAS A BLOG PLEASE LET ME KNOW. COMMENT DOWN LEAVING UR NAME AND BLOG WEBSITE... THKS~!

fully loaded...

2009-07-30T19:41:00.001-07:00

I am back and loaded for my final sem... this sem's timetable is kinda alright... initially i had tuesdays and thursdays but had to change bcap seminar coz there was a clash.... so now its monday, tuesdays and thursdays. its not all that bad anyways but workload is plentyful this sem but its ok as i will give it my all. so what happened when i arrived here? hmmm... the main thing was that i broke my fridge... how? u know all those old fridge where ice builds up at the freezer area? yea... that bit... wanted to chip away all those ice bits with a screwdriver and a hammer. dun get me wrong! i did this b4 but this time... i just banged it too hard... doesnt sound right at all... hmmm.. anyways yea... made a hole in the metal plate and the cooling gas started to psssstttt out... i panic and tried to use my finger to cover the hole (WASNT THE SMARTEST THING TO DO!) as the gas burst out straight into my fingers... it hurts coz it was cold... what happened next? nth much. so now i am going to find a person who can repair a fridge.

Ok... other than that. i watched the bourne trilogy all over again. since i had nth much to do at the start of the semester... better "relax" while i can for now...

Oh mum called last nite... mum, dad and sis are going to the US for holiday on the 15th Dec till 5th Jan... and i am to be at the office in jkt. sad right? but its ok. understandable. they spend so much on me already. doesnt matter. and sis is getting married soon so let them have their time. so what am i going to do there? i dunno. its too early to plan but still thinking of it makes me excited some how. mayb i will go else where. hmmmm 1 whole mth... oh wells.

A different issue again. planning to start going to the gym again with dickson... and have regular workout. HOPEFULLY. every tuesday i think... depends on him too... when he recovers. anyways got to pack my stuff properly and start reading something, anything... get my mind working already... take care all and those who are studying... do ur best this sem and catch ya ard soon.

Cheerios~

when i am here ... i am not the one to listen....

2009-07-18T08:28:00.000-07:00

We enjoy warmth because we have been cold.
We appreciate light because we have been in darkness.
By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness.

But...

Sadness has proved to people that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger
Still it lurks inside us and comes out when we do not want to.
All we can do is just wait,
and have faith as that is all we have sometimes.

Not everything can be told to another person
That we have to accept but its hard,
knowing that there is something wrong but is left untold
and will be unspoken.

And Finally

Emotions is a funny little thing that was created in us
When it runs wild, its like a kid
The funny part is that... when it was a kid, we can handle it,
when it matures, it becomes harder to manage and handle
Why?
And emotions can make us moody or happy
People are happy when emotions smile
People are hurt when your emotions are moody
But again, we have to endure the shit and accept it as it is.
Goodbyes are hard to do... But every hello there will always be a goodbye

days in bali

2009-07-17T19:11:00.000-07:00

well what can i say? bali is the same... since the last time i been into there. though some security changes have been made but still the same. now cars going into a hotel will have to pass this check point which will be checked manual by guards of ur car and in ur car... 2nd thing is that there are cameras on the road to see whats hiding under ur car. amazing...

Anyways, when i reached bali, stayed in novotel, i got sick... same symptoms as b4 in manado... shitx. so i wasted my bali days... cld only go to some places, and took some pictures of the beach there.. it was a nice view, a nice scene... i had to force myself to get out of the place and just take some pictures. sigh... if not it wld be a waste to it all.

Food there were spicy so there were few that i cld eat only... the good thing abt haolidaying this time round is that my cousins came along... well firstly coz one of my cousins stays in bali with his wife and lil kid...

OH YES!
time for advert!!
"Looking for a getaway? Relaxation or surfing? go to www.g-land.com which is a resort on its own island~!" well its my cousin's company so feel free to ask abt it and just say u know me =) and see what he can work out =D

MJ - king of pop just popped

2009-07-09T03:27:00.000-07:00

Ok so the time has come for Michael Jackson to move on... He was rated to be the king of pop by many for decades and made a music revolution in the industry. I remembered the time I went for his concert when i was a lil kid... it was magical though it was a while coz he fainted on the stage... overworked...

As i watched the news on the tele, from what i see he was mistreated and abused by the media and by others as well, poor Mike.. lawsuits for various reasons... its not easy being him i guess when his childhood isnt the best... And the plastic surgery he had was uncalled for and that i didnt really support.... once a fren showed me an sms "MJ CANT BE CREMENTED! HIS PLASTIC!" well it was a bad joke.

Never the less he is still the king for most people who lived in his era... wonderful songs made by him and all those times what i heard is that the manager didnt manage him properly and there goes his money... oweing a great deal of money to the bank which led to another lawsuit.

But like said b4, he will not be forgotten for the good and bad he did...

R I P - Michael Jackson. Prayers to your family and friends.

Emotional distress~

2009-07-06T23:50:00.000-07:00

Its funny how our emotions gets the best of us... in bad and the good ways. Everyone wants to be perfect for their own reasons but face it, its impossible... Why? Simple everyone has different needs and desires and to be perfect, one needs to make everyone happy. But then again its not impossible to be perfect... How? Adapting to people's lifestyle. Some people would say its a 2 face thing but I still think its alright to adapt to how we can fit into other people's way of life. Part of fitting into other people's lifestyle is enduring pain, and pain can consist of emotional pain. Though we could never like how this kind of pain feels but it is wat drives a person either downwards spiral or upward climb...

Anyways no matter what, there are always solutions to every problems, just depending on how strong ur will power is and how much are you able to handle your problems. As i always tell my friends,

"If there is a problem, find the solution, work on it and solve it. And even though if the solution is not found yet for some reasons, wait till you have the chance to solve it. No point worrying or stressing yourself over a problem that you know you cant solve at the moment."

Life is never fair, so just live with it. Know when to voice out and know when to endure...

Movies....

2009-07-04T19:12:00.000-07:00

Well recently been watching movies... not lots but still. and the cinema here is so much better than in miri but equal status as singapore. big seats, comfortable and great sound system, hygiene wise same as singapore as well. anyways went to watch ice age 3 with family and it was funny... well duh...

nevertheless, a fren asked me what do u see in movies? the girls i bet. well no...come on... celebrity chicks are all over and soon will get bored of it. and kinda impossible to get them. well yea... wow that guy is hot or this girl is sexy but what really strikes me most is how they act and what is the produce of the movie outcome.

The important factors that i will look into are the effects and twisted, unthought of storyline and the unforgetable experience that it will leave me with when i finish watching that movie. now those will give me high ratings on movies. so for movie ice age 3, expected effects, straight forward storyline and also i will forget what ice age 3 is all about in a couple of years... though it gave me a good laugh out of it, if in the future people ask me abt ice age3, i would be like.. hmmmm which one is that one? so its a 5.5/10 for me.

dad and mum loves it and its been awhile since i went with them to the movies... it was a great time to have but my sis, her bf and me were thinking which of it was the best and we couldnt get a direct ans. anyways thats my view. if anyone reads it well... its a fun movie to watch. =)

2009-06-30T07:07:00.001-07:00

Friends are great to have

2009-06-30T06:45:00.000-07:00

What is a definition of a real friend? Just to be there for that moment or more than that... I came to realise its so much more than just being there. I always knew about a phrase "a friend in need is a friend indeed" or something like that.

Buddies of mine came by last night to have a usual small gathering whenever i am back and for this i am so glad that i am able to have friends like Eitenne, Vishnu, Don, Sooteng and Lynn. Secondary mates of mine and never did we forget who were in the group back then and what so stupid things we did. Never were we ever bored of secondary school and barely absent ourselves unlike the uni days but in turn the teachers would absent themselves due to our mischief. Its a wonderful feeling to have a gathering and just talk about what happened in the secondary days and just laugh our ass off at random things such as the nick names that were given by each of us. What more can I ask for from the meaning of friends?

Nevertheless I will be "jumping" off again but i am sure enough to know that once i call them, we will have a gathering yet again and do everything all over again. Just a though to all of u (if any is reading) have u contacted those friends of urs? =)

i dun expect anyone to read this anyways but if u need someone to talk to just drop a comment ^^

2009-06-26T22:26:00.001-07:00

some things nv change...

2008-01-22T03:33:00.000-08:00